| Thanks to the ingenuity of Louisiana Democrat | | | | you queerly, explain that you're there |
| William Jefferson, several innovations have | | | | because of advice you received while visiting |
| been introduced to keep your money safe. | | | | Mental Dimensions. If that doesn't take away |
| Jefferson expanded the idea of cold, hard | | | | the teller's look of puzzlement, throw a |
| cash, and took it one step further by | | | | frozen bag of peas at his or her face and run |
| freezing it, thereby causing his own cash to | | | | away very quickly.During your running, you |
| become even colder and harder.My company will | | | | may need a place to hide. If you pass by an |
| be selling plastic bags, specially formulated | | | | appliance store, duck inside and quickly |
| to freeze cash safely and prevent | | | | search for a freezer to hide in. Make sure |
| freezer-burn. These bags, however, will be | | | | the freezer is plugged into an outlet and |
| opaque. You'll be able to label them as | | | | turned on before you hop inside. If you're |
| "turkey," "beef," or any other food you can | | | | carrying any loose change on you, quickly |
| imagine. A casual glance inside your freezer | | | | throw it inside a nearby refrigerator. |
| will only reveal dark colored bags, and not | | | | Remember the rule of thumb we've obtained |
| the fortune you've acquired from | | | | from William Jefferson: "Cash needs to be |
| bribery.After you've labelled your "bags," be | | | | frozen, but spare change needs only light |
| sure to write down a legend. For example: | | | | refrigeration."Rumor has it that Jefferson's |
| turkey = $1000 in twenties, beef = $10,000 in | | | | next investment strategy will be to drown his |
| hundreds, and so forth. Tape the legend in a | | | | remaining money into the freezing waters of |
| secure place, another major appliance | | | | the Arctic Ocean. Any interest earned will |
| perhaps. The top of your microwave oven is | | | | then be stored in containers filled with |
| one option. Another secret location to hide | | | | frozen nitrogen. His bail is expected to be |
| your treasure map could be inside your | | | | set anywhere from 50,000 ice cubes - 150,000 |
| dishwasher. Perhaps you could even buy a | | | | sirloin steaks.Andy Alt |
| second freezer and hide it inside, along with | | | | |
| your actual frozen meats and vegetables.Once | | | | Mental Dimensions |
| you have your money and treasure map stored | | | | |
| safely, go to your bank and tell them you'd | | | | |
| like to make a deposit. Then throw up five | | | | |
| pounds of ground beef and two frozen bags of | | | | A humor column for people who enjoy |
| corn onto the teller's window. Ask the teller | | | | observational humor, political farce, comedy |
| how long it will take for your beef and corn | | | | editorials, satire and spoof, along with an |
| to double in volume or value. If they look at | | | | occasional dose of non humor. |