| Thanks to the ingenuity of Louisiana Democrat William | | | | your beef and corn to double in volume or value. If |
| Jefferson, several innovations have been introduced to | | | | they look at you queerly, explain that you're there |
| keep your money safe. Jefferson expanded the idea | | | | because of advice you received while visiting Mental |
| of cold, hard cash, and took it one step further by | | | | Dimensions. If that doesn't take away the teller's look |
| freezing it, thereby causing his own cash to become | | | | of puzzlement, throw a frozen bag of peas at his or |
| even colder and harder.My company will be selling | | | | her face and run away very quickly.During your |
| plastic bags, specially formulated to freeze cash safely | | | | running, you may need a place to hide. If you pass by |
| and prevent freezer-burn. These bags, however, will | | | | an appliance store, duck inside and quickly search for a |
| be opaque. You'll be able to label them as "turkey," | | | | freezer to hide in. Make sure the freezer is plugged |
| "beef," or any other food you can imagine. A casual | | | | into an outlet and turned on before you hop inside. If |
| glance inside your freezer will only reveal dark colored | | | | you're carrying any loose change on you, quickly throw |
| bags, and not the fortune you've acquired from | | | | it inside a nearby refrigerator. Remember the rule of |
| bribery.After you've labelled your "bags," be sure to | | | | thumb we've obtained from William Jefferson: "Cash |
| write down a legend. For example: turkey = $1000 in | | | | needs to be frozen, but spare change needs only light |
| twenties, beef = $10,000 in hundreds, and so forth. | | | | refrigeration."Rumor has it that Jefferson's next |
| Tape the legend in a secure place, another major | | | | investment strategy will be to drown his remaining |
| appliance perhaps. The top of your microwave oven is | | | | money into the freezing waters of the Arctic Ocean. |
| one option. Another secret location to hide your | | | | Any interest earned will then be stored in containers |
| treasure map could be inside your dishwasher. | | | | filled with frozen nitrogen. His bail is expected to be set |
| Perhaps you could even buy a second freezer and | | | | anywhere from 50,000 ice cubes - 150,000 sirloin |
| hide it inside, along with your actual frozen meats and | | | | steaks.Andy Alt |
| vegetables.Once you have your money and treasure | | | | Mental Dimensions |
| map stored safely, go to your bank and tell them you'd | | | | |
| like to make a deposit. Then throw up five pounds of | | | | A humor column for people who enjoy observational |
| ground beef and two frozen bags of corn onto the | | | | humor, political farce, comedy editorials, satire and |
| teller's window. Ask the teller how long it will take for | | | | spoof, along with an occasional dose of non humor. |