Mastering Fear in Your Divorce

There's nothing like getting divorced to kick up a whole"fear" require a different response. Speaking your
new dimension of fear. Will I be alright? Will my childrenfears out loud or writing them down will help give you
grow up emotionally scarred from my relationshipsome perspective on the type of fear you're
breakdown? Will I be able to cope financially? Am Iexperiencing.
doomed to be single? What if my next relationshipJust Do It.
tanks too? Underlying these questions is fear.No matter how hard you try, you cannot "think" your
Some of this fear is primal and wired into yourway through fear. Fear dissipates once you start to
neurological system. Fear is supposed to have youtake action. Identify the smallest, bite-sized baby step
pause and make sure there aren't any Saber-toothedyou could take and simply start with that. Even the
tigers lurking around. A lot of fear is simply oldsmallest action will give you new perspectives and
programming you inherited growing up. I don't thinkinsight on how to get what you want and generate
many of us had parents who encouraged us to "Gosome momentum to move through your fears.
out and take some risks today, honey!" More often theWatch your Language.
messages we had growing up were to "be careful!" orOur parents were definitely on to something with this
"watch out!"warning! Even our choice of words we use can subtly
When you're in the transition from one phase tokeep us stuck as a powerless victim of our fears.
another, your mind feverishly tries to assess andWhen we get fearful and want to resist change, we'll
analyze that future state before you've actuallyoften say "I can't" do it. Why not be honest about it
experienced it. I've broken down the word "FEAR" intoand say "I won't" do it? The statement "I can't" sends
the following acronym: "Feeling Expansion Andthe subconscious message that you're weak or a
Resisting." When you take on new challenges, youvictim of your circumstance. The phrase "I won't"
push the envelope of your comfort zone and expand.leaves room for you to take responsibility for your
Creating a new life for yourself as a divorced personactions and determining your outcome. Instead of
is definitely such a challenge! Fear is like a warninglabeling something as a "mistake," what if you called it
system that is triggered during that expansion anda "learning opportunity"? Watch your language and
causes you to pause, to re-assess whether you reallychoose words that leave you feeling energized and
want to leave familiar ground and venture into theempowered.
unknown. So how do we master your fears?Try it, you'll like it!
View fear as a positive sign that you're makingWhen you feel in that place of indecision or fear about
progress.the next step to take, I recommend viewing your next
I now use my fear as a confirmation that I'm moving inmove simply as an experiment. You can take that
the right direction and making progress. Rather thannext baby step. If you don't like the results it produces
trying to squelch those feelings, what if you welcomedor how it feels, you can always go back to doing
fear as a sign you're moving ahead. If you're notthings the way you used to. Why not at least give
experiencing some degree of fear, chances are you'reyourself the experience first before you judge
not stretching too far out of your existing comfortyourself. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
zone.Expanding your Horizons.
Feeling uncomfortable with new things is normal.Did you know that coral in calm waters looks very
Whether it's going on your first date post-separation,different than coral in turbulent waters. If sheltered
your first weekend without the children or planning yourfrom ocean currents and winds, the coral is small and
first "solo" vacation, the first time you do anything newcolorless. On the turbulent side of the reef, the coral is
is going to feel awkward or uncomfortable. You'relarge and incredibly colorful. Choosing to act in spite of
building new neural pathways in your brain that willyour fears, you open yourself up to life experiences
allow you to carry out that new task with ease. Itthat bring you wisdom, depth, levels of self-reliance and
takes time and repetition to build those pathwaysconfidence that might not otherwise be possible.
successfully, so acknowledge yourself for being willingI invite you to embrace your fears and stop using them
to try something that feels uncomfortable for you.as the excuse for not giving yourself whatever it is
Identify the level of fear you're experiencing.you want in your life. To help you with that, here's a
It's useful to get more specific with the kind of fearprescription from Eleanor Roosevelt: "Do one thing
you're having. Are you afraid for your physicaleach day that scares you." After 30 days of following
well-being or are you simply afraid that you mightthis prescription, I have no doubt you'll be astonished at
make a mistake? These two very different levels ofyour results.